March 10, 2004

Britney turns up the heat at Glendale Arena

By Michael Clawson, West Valley View

Britney “Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman” Spears was one breast shy of pulling a Janet Jackson in front of a nearly sold-out crowd Wednesday night at Glendale Arena.

Not that the stunt would have been bad, mind you … it just wouldn’t have been very wholesome for the kiddies who came out in force to see the former Mrs. Spears quake, shake, wiggle and jiggle to a packed house on the second date of her world tour.

It’s not like she didn’t have the opportunity to shock us further either — believe me there were plenty of windows of opportunity, like when she gyrated on her dancer’s leg, or a stage support, or a chair, or that pillow. The only pieces of matter she didn’t shake on or next to were actual fans (trust me, I waited patiently to no avail).

Apparently, showing her stuff Janet Jackson-style is the only thing taboo for this raging pop star-turned-sexpot. Everything else — girl-on-girl and guy-on-guy action, simulated threesomes and enough grinding to put a metalworker to shame — is fair game for the 21-year-old beauty.

Some people apparently were so turned off they had to relocate to better seats — the ones in their cars. That’s right, scattered groups of folks (mostly angry parent chaperones with their groaning kids in tow) were so offended, they left on the spot. Shoot, Mel Gibson gores up the Bible, Britney sexes up pop music — is there nothing sacred. What’s next, lying in politics?

In any case, poor old Britney — who is rumored to traveling with two therapists — really put on a show Wednesday night as she squirmed her way through the poppiest of her pop songs and the bounciest of her dance numbers.

Whether or not she actually sang any of her tunes is still a big question, but the CD versions of her voice are so distorted anyway that no one could blame her for employing some lip-synching trickery. Britney, singer or no, we forgive you.

The audience sure didn’t mind. But considering it was made up mostly of females — more 20-something college gals than high school teenyboppers — it wasn’t like Britney was going to be mobbed because she sang “I’m a Slave for You” five-eighths of an octave higher than she did in her video. These fans would have clapped had she performed John Tesh numbers with a mouthful of nachos.

Although the nacho idea isn’t bad, this tour went for way-out-there motif: a Britney theme world where (surprise!) Britney is the guest of honor. The rave-like party took the shape of The Onyx Hotel, a bohemian, Moulin Rouge sort of place where the costumes get as flashy as those in Chicago and as crude as a Goth-inspired version of Alice in Wonderland. By the way, this is the kind of hotel that has hourly rates; where every pillow comes with a mint and a naked girl. Naturally, Britney, no matter how innocent she says she is, fits right in.

She wasn’t all sex, though: the bombshell who annulled her 55-hour Las Vegas marriage earlier this year was on the prowl for a more permanent love, maybe even Husband No. 2.

“There’s some good-looking guys out there,” she quipped with her dancers. “Maybe one of them will get lucky.”

“Ooh, ooh. Pick me. Pick me,” one desperate guy yelled while his hand stabbed at the sky.

When she didn’t answer the calls, I put my hand down. In any case, Britney, I’m still waiting.

As annoying as Britney may be to pop culture, magazine racks and every MTV show that has debuted since 1998, the pop vixen knows how to put on a show. Even for all its explicit sexual overtones and all its graphic moments that are so tongue-in-cheek — and tongue-in-ear, tongue-in-pants, tongue-in-everywhere-else — Britney’s show had some redeeming qualities to it, and not because it was a guilty pleasure for males addicted to the female form.

She’s trying to tell us something, and it sounds like this: “Here I am — nude or at least almost nude — I hope you enjoy me as I writhe on the floor and sing songs that describe me (“Toxic,” “Outrageous”). For whatever reason you came, enjoy.”

Looking at her wardrobe, young Britney Spears may not be as innocent as she claims, but because she still thinks of her exploits as entertainment. That proves she’s more innocent than anyone gives us credit.

And, although I still don’t know how old Britney is mentally (she sounds 12 when she talks, 47 when she yells), that kind of honesty is impressive. She may be a bad girl, a rebel in her own fleshy sort of way, but at least she’s honest about who she is — a sex kitten at the helm of pop culture.

Warp speed ahead, Captain Spears.